[Transcript] S01E03 – The One With The Thumb

PHOEBE: [ENTERING] Hi guys!

ALL: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!

ROSS: Hey. Oh, oh, how’d it go?

PHOEBE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said ‘We should do this again!’

ALL: Ohh. Ouch.

RACHEL: What? He said ‘we should do it again’, that’s good, right?

MONICA: Uh, no. Loosely translated ‘We should do this again’ means ‘You will never see me naked’.

RACHEL: Since when?

JOEY: Since always. It’s like dating language. Y’know, like ‘It’s not you’ means ‘It is you’.

CHANDLER: Or ‘You’re such a nice guy’ means ‘I’m gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you’.

PHOEBE: Or, or, y’know, um, ‘I think we should see other people’ means ‘Ha, ha, I already am’.

RACHEL: And everybody knows this?

JOEY: Yeah. Cushions the blow.

CHANDLER: Yeah, it’s like when you’re a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

ROSS: That’s funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

MONICA: Uh, Ross.

ROSS: What? Wh- hello? The Millners’ farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- …..Oh my God, Chi Chi!

[OPENING CREDITS]

SCENE 1: CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT.

[JOEY IS REHEARSING A PART; CHANDLER READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT]

CHANDLER: “So how does it feel knowing you’re about to die?”

JOEY: “Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you’ll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.”

CHANDLER: Hey, that was really good!

JOEY: Thanks! Let’s keep going.

CHANDLER: Okay. “So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?”

JOEY: “I just wanna go back to my cell. ‘Cause in my cell, I can smoke.”

CHANDLER: “Smoke away.”

[JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG AND COUGHS]

CHANDLER: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: Relax your hand!

[JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP

CHANDLER: Not so much!

JOEY: Whoah!

CHANDLER: Hey!

JOEY: Hey!

CHANDLER: Alright, now try taking a puff.

[JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES]

CHANDLER: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.

JOEY: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.

CHANDLER: It’s fine, it’s fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.

[JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE]

CHANDLER: Don’t think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that’s been missing from your hand. When you’re holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.

JOEY: Y’miss it?

CHANDLER: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. [TAKES A PUFF] Oh.. my.. God. [CONTINUES TO SMOKE]

SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK[ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND PHOEBE]

MONICA: No, no, no. They say it’s the same as the distance from the tip of a guy’s thumb to the tip of his index finger.

[THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS]

JOEY: That’s ridiculous!

ROSS: Can I use.. either thumb?

RACHEL: [BRINGING DRINKS] Alright, don’t tell me, don’t tell me! [HANDS THEM OUT] Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I’m getting pretty good at this!

ALL: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.

RACHEL: [LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS] Good for me!

[EVERYONE SWAPS THEIR DRINKS]

[ENTER PHOEBE, MUTTERING]

JOEY: Y’okay, Phoebe?

PHOEBE: Yeah- no- I’m just- it’s, I haven’t worked- It’s my bank.

MONICA: What did they do to you?

PHOEBE: It’s nothing, it’s just- Okay. I’m going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-

ROSS: Easy.

PHOEBE: – and there’s five hundred extra dollars in my account.

CHANDLER: Oh, Satan’s minions at work again…

PHOEBE: Yes, ’cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.

JOEY: What are you talking about? Keep it!

PHOEBE: It’s not mine, I didn’t earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.

RACHEL: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

PHOEBE: Okay. Okay, let’s say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I’d hear, with every step I took? ‘Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.’ And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- ‘Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine’…

MONICA: We’re with you. We got it.

[CHANDLER LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH, OUT OF SIGHT]

PHOEBE: Okay. I’d- just- I’d never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.

RACHEL: Chandler, what are you doing?

MONICA: [PULLING HIM UP] Hey. Whaddya doing?

[CHANDLER TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUALLY HE HAS TO EXHALE A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE]

ALL: Oh! Oh, God!

ROSS: What is this?!

CHANDLER: I’m smoking. I’m smoking, I’m smoking.

PHOEBE: Oh, I can’t believe you! You’ve been so good, for three years!

CHANDLER: And this- is my reward!

ROSS: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

CHANDLER: Okay, so this time I won’t quit!

ALL: Ohhh! Put it out!

CHANDLER: All right! I’m putting it out, I’m putting it out. [HE DROPS IT IN PHOEBE’S COFFEE]

PHOEBE: Oh, no! I- I can’t drink this now!

MONICA: Alright. I’m gonna go change, I’ve got a date.

RACHEL: This Alan again? How’s it goin’?

MONICA: ‘S’going pretty good, y’know? It’s nice, and, we’re having fun.

JOEY: So when do we get to meet the guy?

MONICA: Let’s see, today’s Monday… Never.

ALL: Oh, come on! Come on!

MONICA: No. Not after what happened with Steve.

CHANDLER: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.

MONICA: Look, I don’t even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.

RACHEL: Well, then can we meet him?

MONICA: Nope. Schhorry.

SCENE 3: IRIDIUM [MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK]

MONICA: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they’re all over him. I mean, they’re like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.

PAULA: Listen. As someone who’s seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I’ll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they’re your friends, they’re just looking out after you.

MONICA: I know. I just wish that once, I’d bring a guy home that they actually liked.

PAULA: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..

[CUT TO RACHEL+MONICA’S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, PHOEBE IS ABSENT]

JOEY: Let it go, Ross.

ROSS: Yeah, well, you didn’t know Chi Chi.

MONICA: Do you all promise?

ALL: Yeah! We promise! We’ll be good!

MONICA: [SHOUTS TO CHANDLER] Chandler? Do you promise to be good?

[CHANDLER MAKES A ‘CROSS MY HEART’ SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW]

JOEY: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!

[CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT]

[ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI]

ROSS: Hey, Pheebs.

PHOEBE: ‘Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We’re sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you’ll accept this- [SEARCHES IN HER PURSE] -football phone as our free gift.’ Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!

RACHEL: What bank is this?

[DOOR BUZZER]

MONICA: Hey. It’s him. [TO INTERCOM] Who is it?

ALAN [INTERCOM]: It’s Alan.

JOEY: [SHOUTS TO CHANDLER] Chandler! He’s here!

[CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET]

MONICA: [TO ALL] Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.

[OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN]

MONICA: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

ALAN: Hi.

ALL: Hi, Alan.

ALAN: I’ve heard schho much about all you guyschh!

[GENERAL HYSTERIA]

SCENE 4: RACHEL+ MONICA’S [LATER IN THE EVENING]

MONICA: [AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING] Thanks. I’ll call you tomorrow. [TO ALL] Okay. Okay, let’s let the Alan-bashing begin. Who’s gonna take the first shot, hmm?

[SILENCE]

MONICA: C’mon!

ROSS: …I’ll go. Let’s start with the way he kept picking at- no, I’m sorry, I can’t do this, can’t do this. We loved him.

ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He’s great!

MONICA: Wait a minute! We’re talking about someone that I’m going out with?

ALL: Yeah!

RACHEL: And did you notice…? [SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER]

THE GUYS: [RELUCTANTLY] Yeah.

JOEY: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!

ROSS: …What shoe?

PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme. ‘There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a… while…’

[DUBIOUS PAUSE]

ROSS: …So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.

RACHEL: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y’know, it.

MONICA: Really!

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I’d marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I’m gonna be doing that at parties, right? [DOES IT]

ROSS: You know what I like most about him, though?

ALL: What?

ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself.

ALL: Yeah…

[AD BREAK]

SCENE 5: CENTRAL PERK[MONICA ALONE. ENTER ROSS, RACHEL, CHANDLER AND JOEY, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBALL GEAR]

MONICA: Hi.. how was the game?

ROSS: Well..

ALL: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!

MONICA: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?

JOEY: Alan.

ROSS: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-…

RACHEL: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.

CHANDLER: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..

MONICA: Can I ask you guys a question? D’you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..

ROSS: What?

MONICA: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?

RACHEL: Well, no. That’s impossible. You can never be too Alan.

ROSS: Yeah, it’s his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.

CHANDLER: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

[CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. PHOEBE WALKS UP TO HER]

PHOEBE: Hey, Lizzie.

LIZZIE: Hey, Weird Girl.

PHOEBE: I brought you alphabet soup.

LIZZIE: Did you pick out the vowels?

PHOEBE: Yes. But I left in the Ys. ‘Cause, y’know, “sometimes y”. Uh, I also have something else for you. [SEARCHES IN HER PURSE]

LIZZIE: Saltines?

PHOEBE: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?

LIZZIE: What? [OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE HAS GIVEN HER] Oh my God, there’s really money in here.

PHOEBE: I know.

LIZZIE: Weird Girl, what are you doing?

PHOEBE: No, I want you to have it. I don’t want it.

LIZZIE: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.

PHOEBE: Oh, that’s fine, no.

LIZZIE: Would you like my tin-foil hat?

PHOEBE: No. ‘Cause you need that. No, it’s okay, thanks.

LIZZIE: Please, let me do something.

PHOEBE: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we’re even. Okay?

LIZZIE: Okay.

PHOEBE: Okay.

[CUT TO CHANDLER’S OFFICE BLOCK]

[CHANDLER LOOKS ROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER AND TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER AND TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN AND TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER AND GAGS]

[CUT TO PHOEBE AND LIZZIE AT A SODA STAND]

LIZZIE: Keep the change. [TO PHOEBE] Sure you don’t wanna pretzel?

PHOEBE: No, I’m fine.

LIZZIE: [LEAVING] See ya.

[PHOEBE OPENS THE CAN AND REACTS]

PHOEBE: Huh!

[CUT TO CENTRAL PERK]

ROSS: A thumb?!

[PHOEBE NODS]

ALL: Eww!

PHOEBE: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!

CHANDLER: Well, maybe it’s a contest, y’know? Like, collect all five?

PHOEBE: Does, um, anyone wanna see?

ALL: Nooo!

[CHANDLER LIGHTS A CIGARETTE]

ALL: Oh, hey, don’t do that! Cut it out!

RACHEL: It’s worse than the thumb!

CHANDLER: Hey, this is so unfair!

MONICA: Oh, why is it unfair?

CHANDLER: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey’s constant knuckle-cracking isn’t annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? …I accept all those flaws, why can’t you accept me for this?

[UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE]

JOEY: …Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?

RACHEL: Well, I-I could live without it.

JOEY: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?

[PHOEBE SPITS OUT HER HAIR]

ROSS: Oh, now, don’t listen to him, Pheebs, I think it’s endearing.

JOEY: Oh, [IMITATING ROSS] “you do, do you”?

[MONICA LAUGHS AND SNORTS]

ROSS: You know, there’s nothing wrong with speaking correctly.

RACHEL: “Indeed there isn’t”… I should really get back to work.

PHOEBE: Yeah, ’cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.

RACHEL: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.

[THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING AND CHANDLER HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.]

SCENE 6: IRIDIUM [AGAIN, MONICA AND PAULA AT WORK]

MONICA: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?

PAULA: No.

MONICA: Okay.. Well, I’m going out with a guy my friends all really like.

PAULA: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!

MONICA: Can you believe it? …Y’know what? I just don’t feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don’t feel the thing.

PAULA: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that’s how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!

MONICA: I know.. it’s gonna be really hard.

PAULA: Well, he’s a big boy, he’ll get over it.

MONICA: No, he’ll be fine. It’s the other five I’m worried about.

[CUT TO CENTRAL PERK, WHERE JOEY AND ROSS ARE PERSECUTING CHANDLER]

JOEY: Do you have any respect for your body?

ROSS: Don’t you realise what you’re-you’re doing to yourself?

CHANDLER: Hey, y’know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.

RACHEL: [WITH PHONE] Chandler? It’s Alan, he wants to speak to you.

CHANDLER: Really? He does? [TAKES PHONE] Hey, buddy, what’s up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it’s not that big- ..well, that’s true,.. Gee, y’know, no-one- no-one’s ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! [HANDS BACK THE PHONE AND STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE]

RACHEL: [TO ROSS, WHO HAS WANDERED UP] God, he’s good.

ROSS: If only he were a woman.

RACHEL: Yeah.

[THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK]

[CUT TO THE GANG MINUS MONICA AND JOEY WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT RACHEL+ MONICA’S]

CHANDLER: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it’d be talking too.

ROSS: Okay. I think it’s time to change somebody’s nicotine patch. [DOES SO]

[ENTER MONICA]

MONICA: Hey. Where’s Joey?

CHANDLER: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

RACHEL: I think he’s across the hall.

MONICA: Thanks. [GOES TO FETCH HIM]

ROSS: [FINISHES CHANGING CHANDLER’S NICOTINE PATCH] There y’go.

CHANDLER: [DEADPAN] Ooh, I’m alive with pleasure now.

ROSS: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?

PHOEBE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?

ROSS: Hey, I might!

PHOEBE: Sorry. ..Y’know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.

ALL: You’re kidding. Oh my God.

PHOEBE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. …What is up with the universe?!

JOEY: [DRAGGED IN BY MONICA. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER] What’s going on?

MONICA: Nothing. I just think it’s nice when we’re all here together.

JOEY: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..

RACHEL: Uh, Joey..

JOEY: Oh, God! [HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES]

MONICA: [TURNS OFF TV] Okay..

ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop!

MONICA: Please, guys, we have to talk.

PHOEBE: Wait, wait, I’m getting a deja vu…no, I’m not.

MONICA: Alright, we have to talk.

PHOEBE: There it is!

MONICA: Okay. It’s-it’s about Alan. There’s something that you should know. I mean, there’s really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I’ve decided to break up with Alan.

[THEY ALL GASP AND CLUTCH EACH OTHER]

ROSS: Is there somebody else?

MONICA: No, nononono.. it’s just.. things change. People change.

RACHEL: We didn’t change..

JOEY: So that’s it? It’s over? Just like that?

PHOEBE: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- [CHEWS HER HAIR]

MONICA: Look, I- I could go on pretending-

JOEY: Okay!

MONICA: -but that wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Alan- It wouldn’t be fair to you!

ROSS: Who-who wants fair? Y’know, I just want things back. Y’know, the way they were.

MONICA: I’m sorry..

CHANDLER: [SARCASTIC] Oh, she’s sorry! I feel better!

RACHEL: [TEARFUL] I just can’t believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-

MONICA: I’ll meet somone else. There’ll be other Alans.

ALL: Oh, yeah! Right!

MONICA: Are you guys gonna be okay?

ROSS: Hey hey, we’ll be fine. We’re just gonna need a little time.

MONICA: [DUBIOUS] I understand.

[CUT TO MONICA TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT]

ALAN: Wow.

MONICA: I’m, I’m really sorry.

ALAN: Yeah, I’m sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.

MONICA: Relieved?

ALAN: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can’t stand your friends.

[CLOSING CREDITS]

CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL + MONICA’S [THE GANG ARE MOPING AROUND, EATING ICE CREAM]

RACHEL: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.

ROSS: Yeah. He could row like a viking.

[ENTER MONICA]

MONICA: Hi.

ALL: Mmm.

ROSS: So how’d it go?

MONICA: Oh, y’know..

PHOEBE: Did he mention us?

MONICA: He said he’s really gonna miss you guys. [DUBIOUS LOOK]

ROSS: You had a rough day, huh.. c’mere. [SHE SITS DOWN AND ROSS STROKES HER FOREHEAD]

CHANDLER: …That’s it. I’m getting cigarettes.

ALL: No no no!

CHANDLER: [LEAVING] I don’t care, I don’t care! Game’s over! I’m weak! I’ve gotta smoke! I’ve gotta have the smoke!

PHOEBE: [SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES] If you never smoke again I’ll give you seven thousand dollars!

CHANDLER: [REENTERING] Yeah, alright.

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