[Transcript] This Is Us – S01E01 – Pilot

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JACK: Okay, I’m ready.

REBECCA: You promise you like your gift?

JACK: The towel? It’s absolutely terrible.

REBECCA: Suit’s on?

JACK: Yes, ma’am.

REBECCA: Your birthday suit?

JACK: Only one I’ve got.

REBECCA: I had to put the lingerie on top of my clothes.

JACK: I see that.

REBECCA: It wasn’t a great moment for me.

JACK: Tradition is tradition.

REBECCA: Yeah. But I’m gonna go ahead and spare us both the seductive birthday dance this year.

JACK: I’m sorry, baby, but it’s my birthday, and I would really, really like to see the dance.

REBECCA: Your funeral.

JACK: Mm-hmm.


JACK: Mm-hmm.

REBECCA: You like it, right? This is what you want? A little of that? A little of that, for you? I will gag you dead with that towel.

JACK: Okay, okay. I’m quiet.

REBECCA: Come on.


KATE: You suck.


WOMAN: Got a sec, boss? Yeah. What’s up?

EMPLOYEES: [Singing] Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday….




WOMAN: We love your show.


WOMAN: Do you want to dance?

KEVIN: Uh-uh. No. But, um, you know, you go ahead. It’s my birthday today. 36, today.

WOMAN: You don’t look 36.

KEVIN: Yeah, I do.



REBECCA: [Singing] Happy 36th birthday to you, Happy 36th birthday to you, I have triplets inside of me, I am Shamu.

JACK: Hey, Big Three! Do you three know how much I love your mother? I mean, do you even have any idea?

REBECCA: [In a baby voice] Yeah, we do. Now shut up and let your fat-ass wife go to sleep.

JACK: No. No, no, no. Birthday tradition is birthday tradition. So close your eyes in there, kids, because Daddy’s about to do some real terrible things to Mommy.

REBECCA: How could you possibly want me right now?

JACK: In any state, my wife, you arouse me.

REBECCA: I bet I can make that go away.

JACK: There’s nothing you can say that’s…

REBECCA: My water just broke.

JACK: Yep.




KEVIN: You know when I think it all went wrong for me was 1986, second grade. They were sending the Challenger up into space. You remember the Challenger, right? Yeah. With Sandra Bullock? No. Christa McAuliffe, right? She was gonna be the first teacher into space. She was actually gonna change the world. I don’t know how. But you could feel that, you know? At least, in second grade, you could… you could feel it. Middle of the school day, the teacher brings in a TV, right? We’re all just sitting there, watching the launch, a bunch of seven-year-olds just…just watchin’. And all of a sudden, BOOM! The whole thing explodes. Little pieces of sweet Christa McAuliffe come raining down all over the state of Florida. It was awful. Maybe that’s when I realized trying to change the world just leads to being blown up into little pieces all over Florida. Maybe that’s how I wound up as the Manny. [Kevin’s Phone Buzzes] It’s my sister. Kate?



KEVIN: You… you didn’t have any ice, so…

KATE: Well, this is a low point. We’re 36. We’re officially “late 30s”. Like, we are deep in the threes.


KATE: How did I get here? Like, how the hell did I get here?

KEVIN: Remember second grade? The Challenger explosion?

KATE: You have got to stop with the Challenger explosion.

KEVIN: There’s something there.

KATE: You’re the only good thing in my life, Kev.

KEVIN: I’m not that great. Come on.

KATE: I know. That’s what makes it worse. I had this… whole dream life that I envisioned for myself. A real career. I would marry a man like dad. I would be a mom like mom. But look at me, Kev. Like, I ate my dream life away.

KEVIN: So, what do you…. what do you want me to say to you, huh? Wh-what… Give me the magic phrase, sis, to say to make you feel better and I’ll say it.

KATE: Tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself. I don’t know. Tell me to wake the hell up. Tell me… tell me to lose the damn weight.

KEVIN: Quit feeling sorry for yourself. All right? That can start right now. Wake the hell up. And and and, you know… the… What was the… what was the third thing?

KATE: Lose the damn weight.

KEVIN: You want to say that again?

KATE: I’m gonna lose the damn weight. You are a lot smarter than you look.

KEVIN: That’s what Michael Bay told me.



JACK: Here you go.

REBECCA: Oh, yeah. Thank you.

JACK: Hey, do you realize me and the kids are gonna have the same birthday?

REBECCA: I know. Yeah.

JACK: Still, six weeks early is pretty early.

REBECCA: Yeah. I know.

JACK: What the hell could this thing possibly be for?

DR. K: It’s for rectal examinations. That one’s from the dirty pile. Sorry. Now, then, I’m Dr. Katowski, but you can call me “Doc” or “Dr. K”, which is what most people choose to do, because it’s folksy.

REBECCA: Oh, so you work with Dr. Schneider?

DR. K: Take a breath for me, dear. Deep breath, now. There you go. All right. You relaxed? Good. Good, good. Dr. Schneider’s appendix burst an hour ago. He just went into surgery.
No, no, no. Now, stay with me.

REBECCA: I need Dr. Schneider ’cause he knows about…

DR. K: Stay with me now. Between his screams of agony, Schneider brought me up to speed on everything concerning your case. I know all about these triplets, and I know that this is a high-risk pregnancy.


DR. K: But everything’s gonna be all right.

JACK: This is some kind of bad joke, right?

DR. K: It is not, unfortunately. Now, sweetheart, I’m gonna get straight to your first concern. Look at me now. Look at me. Do you see me? I am 73 years old.


DR. K: You know what that means, don’t you?


DR. K: That means I don’t run wind sprints as fast as I used to, but my faculties are otherwise completely intact. There are days that I wish they weren’t, because then I would retire and spend my remaining days doing something more glamorous than pulling eight-pound objects out of women’s vaginas. But until that time, I keep showing up here every day. All right? I’m also aware that I’m a complete stranger to you, and this is the biggest moment of your life.


DR. K: All right? Honey, listen to me: I am the best of the best. And I swear to you, on the lives of my children and my grandchildren, that I am up to the task. All right?


DR. K: All right.

REBECCA: Thank you.

DR. K Alright. Good. Now, which one of you’s pregnant? Now, that was a bad joke, but you just continue to take those deep breaths.



MAN: Let’s see… let me see if any of my people are here. Let me take a little test. Sheket bevakasha! Jew! Jew! Jew! All right. Hey! Come on!

MAN: And… action!

KEVIN: Huh? Huh? What can I do to make you feel better, huh? You want me to breastfeed you? Would that make you feel better, if I breastfed ya? Yeah? Here we go. Let’s try to… I’m-I’m sorry, guys. I need to cut. Uh…

MAN: Sorry, everybody. A little technical difficulty. Who wants a t-shirt?

DIRECTOR: Hey, man. What’s up?

KEVIN: I’m sorry. You know, I’m trying to understand, for my character, you know, um, are-are we suggesting, you know, that the Manny thinks a grown man can breastfeed a baby? Are we saying the Manny’s got brain damage? ‘Cause I could do a voice.

DIRECTOR: Kevin, I know you care. I know you care about the character.

KEVIN: I do care about the character. Thank you.

DIRECTOR: I also know that you’re a 30-something-year-old actor whose biggest previous role was a three-episode arc on Nashville. So say the line or find another job. Because trust me when I say that I’ll have you replaced by Ryan Gosling, Ryan Phillippe, or Ryan Reynolds or any other handsome Ryan by the time you get to your car. And believe me, my ratings will go up.

KEVIN: Ryan Gosling would never do this crap.

DIRECTOR: You are right, Kevin. Ryan Gosling would never do this crap. Remember that.

RANDALL: Come on, Annie! Go get the ball, hon!

ANNIE: Hi, Daddy!

RANDALL: Hi, sweetheart! There’s the ball! You want to play soccer?


BETH: How’s she doing?

RANDALL: Uh, I think she’s saving it for the second half. How’s about her?

BETH: Four boys crying, and counting.

RANDALL: That’s my little badass. Switch?

BETH: Switch. Is that a?

RANDALL: French braid. Yes.

BETH: Over, under, back through, baby!

ANNIE: Hi, Mommy!

BETH: All right, well, she made a friend.

RANDALL: I found him. My father.

BETH: What? When?

RANDALL: I, uh… I hired a guy. It cost about 1,500 bucks. Now, I paid for it on the Amex. You’re gonna see it. It’s the personal Amex, not the business Amex.

BETH: I don’t care about the Amex.

RANDALL: I know.

BETH: So you’re gonna go…


BETH: Why not?

RANDALL: Because she was a crack addict who died during childbirth, and he was the guy who left me at a fire station, probably because he couldn’t think of anything more cliché.

BETH: So why’d you find him?

RANDALL: I don’t know, Beth. I really don’t know. Oh! Go! Way to go, Tess!

BETH: Sportsmanship, baby!



KATE: Excuse me. Do you mind?


TANYA: And so, I said to myself, “Tanya, you have done what you have set out to do. You have lost the weight. And now you can help others be skinny like you.” So, who would like to share first?

WOMAN: Every time I’m going on a diet, he sabotages me.

WOMAN: Well, my husband found me eating out of the fridge in the middle of the night again the other night.

MAN: I’m trying.

MAN: I am not sabotaging you, Marsha.

MADISON: I know I don’t have the same issues as everyone here. But you guys don’t know what it’s like looking like me and carrying around that extra seven pounds in your midsection.

WOMAN: For me, it was my mom. She never let us eat pizza. And so now, every time I see a pizza… I mean, I have to eat the entire thing. If this doesn’t work, I might just have my stomach stapled and just be done with.

TOBY: [Laughs] I am sor… I’m sorry. I was just… I was picturing the stapler. And it’s… which is totally inappropriate. I apologize. I’m way fatter than you, if it means anything.

TOBY: Mmm, coffee. Hi. Boy, these people hate me.

KATE: You kind of crossed the line.

TOBY: Yeah, you laughed.

KATE: That’s because I live across the line.

TOBY: Oh! Okay.

TOBY: Toby.

KATE: Kate.

TOBY: Yeah. Nice to meet you. So, you want to be fat friends?

KATE: [Laughs] Sure. But I’m gonna lose the weight.

TOBY: You know, I’m probably not.

KATE: Okay. I can’t fall for a fat person right now.

TOBY: Well… I guess I’ll lose the weight then.



JACK: Breathe, Bec. Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. Deep breath, Bec. Deep breath, deep breath. Deep breathe, look at me, deep breathe. There you go. There you go, almost done, almost done. There you go. Hey, there you go.

REBECCA: Baby, I’m sorry for anything I’m gonna say in the next two hours. I mean none of it.

JACK: You’re gonna mean some of it.

REBECCA: Very little of it.

JACK: Fair enough.

DR. K: I’m almost glad Schneider’s appendix burst. I like you two. Now, since I’m new here, I thought we might have a conversation now, before things get more intense.

REBECCA: Yeah, that sounds nice. So, you said you have grandchildren?

DR. K: Not that kind of conversation. Now. I know that Dr. Schneider talked to you about the positioning of the babies, and how complicated this delivery could get. I thought we should…

JACK: I’m sorry, no, we’re not gonna have this conversation.

REBECCA: Jack, we need to have this…

JACK: We’re not having this conversation, because it’s not gonna happen.

DR. K: Well, we need to talk about…

JACK: We are walking out of this hospital with three healthy babies and one healthy wife.

DR. K: Absolutely.

JACK: I have three cribs at our new home that we bought specifically for our three children to grow up in.

DR. K: I understand.

JACK: My-my mother, my mother has already knitted three onesies. And she’s a slow, no-talent knitter. It’s also happens to be my birthday today, which tends to be a pretty great day in our house, a day when I get pretty lucky. So, I’m gonna need everyone in this room to believe me when I say that only good things are gonna happen here today. Actually… I-I don’t just want you to believe it. I want you to know it. Do you know it, baby?

REBECCA: I love you. Yeah, I know it. I know it.

JACK: Do you know it, Doc?

DR. K: I know I like you. Let’s just start there, get you what you want.


RANDALL: Hey, clear my afternoon?

WOMAN: But sir, what about…

RANDALL: Thanks.



WILLIAM: Yeah, yeah. Stop all that banging, I heard you the first time, banging on the door. Who the hell is…

RANDALL: My name is Randall Pearson. I’m your biological son. 36 years ago, you left me at the front door – No, hold on, just let me say this. 36 years ago you left me at the front door of a fire station. Now, don’t worry, I’m not here because I want anything from you. I was raised by two incredible parents, I have a “lights out” family of my own, and… that car you see parked out in front of your house cost $143,000 and I bought it for cash. I bought it for cash because I felt like it, and because I can do stuff like that. Yeah, you see, I turned out pretty all right. Which might surprise a lot of folks considering the fact that 36 years ago my life started with you leaving me on a fire station doorstep with nothing more than a ratty blanket and a crap-filled diaper. I came here today so I could look you in the eye, say that to you, and then get back in my fancy-ass car and finally prove to myself, and to you, and to my family who loves me, that I didn’t need a thing from you, even after I knew who you were.

WILLIAM: You want to come in?

RANDALL: Okay. So is there something you want to say to me? ‘Cause otherwise, I really need to get going.

WILLIAM: You want me to say something?

RANDALL: No, I told you, I don’t want anything from you.

WILLIAM: But you’re here.

RANDALL: Just to tell you that.

WILLIAM: Well… I’ve been told.

RANDALL: You know what? If you’re just gonna sit here making excuses…

WILLIAM: Didn’t make any excuses.

RANDALL: Because there’s nothing you can say.

WILLIAM: Didn’t say anything, for just that reason. Seems to me you want me to try to make amends so you can say, “Screw you,” and storm out of here.

RANDALL: That’s ridiculous.

WILLIAM: Okay. I’d like to say I remember that day, but… I barely do. I’m clean now, finally. But… I was on the streets then. I remember her dying – your mom – remember the baby. I’d like to say I remember leaving you at a fire station, but I don’t. Not an excuse. In fact, it probably tells you something about me that I don’t remember. I do like fire stations, though. So, that sounds like something I’d do if I had to do something, you know? Anyway, I don’t know if that’s what you’re looking for, but either way, you can be sure this life of mine is punishment enough for the things I’ve done.

RANDALL: If you think I’m gonna forgive you…

WILLIAM: I don’t.

RANDALL: No, you were right. I did just want to say, “Screw you,” and storm out of here.

WILLIAM: Well, go ahead.

RANDALL: Screw you.


RANDALL: You want to meet your grandchildren?

WILLIAM: I’ll get my coat.



ALAN: Hey, kid.

KEVIN: Hey. Alan. All right. Hey, thanks for doing this, man. Oh. I really appreciate it.

ALAN: Oh, please. No thanks necessary. Trust me: they’re paying me an absolute fortune.

KEVIN: I’m sure.

ALAN: Great scene for you, by the way.

KEVIN: Tell ya what, when the prick wants to, he can actually write.

ALAN: Yeah. Well, I’ll see you out there on the playing field.

ALAN: All right. Break a leg, kid.

KEVIN: Thank you, sir.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the great Alan Thicke! And… action.

ALAN: Oh, for God’s sake, I’m just trying to lighten up the situation here.

KEVIN: No, I get it. That’s what you do, right? My lightweight dad.

ALAN: Son…

KEVIN: Don’t call me “son”. Just go. Just do your thing, get out of here.

ALAN: Come on, son.

KEVIN: I said don’t call me “son”. I-I look at that little girl, I would do anything for her. You understand? Y-You show me a train, I’ll jump in front of it for her, no question. And she’s not even mine. I mean, you?? You mosey in and out of my life the past 30 years like the way you have, I… I don’t understand that, and I’ll never understand you, so just get the hell out of here. Just get out. I want you to get out and this time, I want you to stay the hell out of my life, okay?

ALAN: Son…

KEVIN: Leave!

DIRECTOR: And cut!

KEVIN: Thank you.

KEVIN: All right, they must think we did it.

ALAN: You did it. Thank you. You were fa… you killed.

KEVIN: Thank you for being here.

ALAN: Excellent. Hey, may I have the envelope, please?

KEVIN: Oh, come on.

KEVIN: There, what are you doing, come on, get in here. See, I told you, right? I told you!

DIRECTOR: That’s so good, Kevin. Oh…

KEVIN: That felt good.

DIRECTOR: Now all we need to do is just take a quick whack at the alt pass, huh?

KEVIN: Oh, come on, we don’t need an alt pass, what are you talking about? Why would you… wh-wh-what, for what?

DIRECTOR: Kevin, come on, we talked about this. You know? I loved it… I-I wrote it, you know? But, um, we just gotta, we gotta get a lighter version. Come on. Let’s get that alt. For me, okay? And, uh, lose the shirt. It’s just better without the shirt.

MAN: I hope you’re hungry, ’cause we got some pizza for you! Everybody loves pizza!

KEVIN: All right…

KEVIN: No, it’s okay. No, no. Nobody be alarmed. Nobody be alarmed, this isn’t a real baby. This baby can’t feel a thing, because everything’s fake! God forbid we have real emotion in this show. What do we got here? We got a real suitcase. Finally, we got something real. Oh! No, we don’t! Look, there’s nothing in the suitcase! Where the hell are you going, Alan Thicke?! And what the hell are you gonna wear, when you get there? Huh?! He’s got no clothes in the suitcase! You know what it is, I’m starting to think about things now. It’s actually… Casey, it’s not your fault, brother. It’s not the writer’s fault this show is so bad. And it’s so bad! It’s not the network’s fault for airing it! It’s you guys! Why are you watching this stuff? It’s your fault for demanding so little of us, that we settle. I can’t feel my face right now, but you know what? I knew exactly what this job was when I took it. Shame on me for taking the money! Shame on you for making me famous! Shame on all of us!

DIRECTOR: That’s enough.

KEVIN: Hey… What are you…? (LAUGHING): I’m not gonna hit you, man. I’m not gonna hit you! What do you… you think I’m some kind of animal?! I’m just gonna go nuts?! Listen, Ryan Gosling may not do this crap, and neither will I. I quit… I quit. Great working with you, man. I’m a huge fan.

ALAN: Yeah, that was a lot of fun.



DR. K: All right, Rebecca, one more big push, now. There you go… Keep pushing! Come on, Bec. All right! All right. First male is out, and he is looking good!

JACK: You hear that, baby? We got a boy! We got a boy!

REBECCA: Something’s not right. There’s something’s not right.

NURSE: Doctor?

DR. K: Some oxygen for her, please? Rebecca? You’ve done real good, sweetheart, but we need to let you get some rest right now and let’s see if I can’t take it from here, okay?

JACK: I’m sorry, what’s happening?

DR. K: I’m gonna have to go in for the other two, people, let’s go.

DR. K: Your wife is in distress, Jack. Now, right now, you just need to trust me and get the hell out of my way.

JACK: No, wait, but I’m…

DR. K: Get him out of the room, now.

NURSE: Stat.



RANDALL: Hey, guys.

BETH: Hey, babe, I need you to help Annie with her homework…

RANDALL: Guys… this is your, uh… William. This is William.



WILLIAM: William Hill.

BETH: Hi. I’m Beth. I’m sorry. I’m Beth.

WILLIAM: It’s a pleasure meeting you, Beth. Mm.

ANNIE: You have a hole in your pants.

BETH: Annie!

WILLIAM: Oh, that’s okay. I actually do. Hey, isn’t that what the kids do to be cool? They put holes in their pants, right?

TESS: Not like that.

WILLIAM: Well, here I was, thought I was being cool. Wait, what if I do this? Yo, what’s going.



WILLIAM: My, my, my, you must be Tess.

TES: Yes.

WILLIAM: I hear you play soccer…

RANDALL: I should have called. I didn’t know how to say it out loud.

BETH: So, you just…

RANDALL: I… I have no explanation, baby. Like, everything I want to say or do around this man, I do the opposite. It’s like a bad sitcom. It’s like an episode of The Manny or What’s Happening!! He left me at a fire station and I invited him into our home.

BETH: Oh my God, baby, you’re cracking up.

ANNIE: Daddy? What’s happening?

RANDALL: [Whispers] What’s happening?



KATE: You’re not serious.

TOBY: I am.

KATE: Wait, Sally Field?

TOBY: Yeah. I have a thing for Sally Field. Sue me.

KATE: She’s, like, 60.

TOBY: 60 is the new sexy. You didn’t know that?

KATE: Mm-mm.

TOBY: Mm. And when she turns 70… Ahhh!, Look out, Sally is gonna peak in her 70s.

KATE: Mm-hmm.

TOBY: I promise you.

KATE: Yeah…

WAITER: Can I interest you in dessert?

KATE: Oh, no thanks.
TOBY: Yes!


TOBY: Yes.

TOBY: Yes. He was just asking If he could interest us in dessert. I am saying that he can. I am very interested in dessert. I am utterly fascinated by dessert. Dessert is my life’s work. So… We will just have the check, please. Thank you.

KATE: Thank you.

WAITER: Thank you.

TOBY: I don’t normally like risotto, but if you put it in a ball form, and-and deep fry it, I can eat, like, a thousand of them.

KATE: I had a really nice time tonight, Toby. Thank you.

TOBY: Yeah. Wait, what? No, no, no. What, that’s it?

KATE: What do you mean?

TOBY: I mean, you’re not gonna invite me in for a… a nightcap or… a handy or something?

KATE: Cute.

TOBY: I am. Thank you. I did have a really nice time tonight.

KATE: Okay. You can come inside for a water. A water!

TOBY: Uh-huh.

KATE: We have already had our six ounces of wine.

TOBY: I know. 150 calories per six ounce.

KATE: Ooh.

TOBY: Yeah.

KATE: You keep counting calories, and you’re gonna really turn me on.

TOBY: Yeah. Hmm. You want to know how many, uh, calories are in a sausage?

KATE: Is… but is it even legal?

TOBY: No! Not in this country. Do you want to fool around?

KATE: [Stammering] I don’t.


KATE: Uh… Okay. No, I… No, I-I do. It’s just been a long time since this has even been an option.

TOBY: Hey. I know, I know.

KATE: Um, you don’t. I am 36. And, um… this… is not a very pretty picture.

TOBY: It’s okay.

KATE: No, it’s…

TOBY: Hey, it’s okay.

KEVIN: [Groans]

TOBY: Hey!

KATE: Kevin, what the hell?

KEVIN: Why don’t you answer your phone?

KATE: Uh… I was on a date.

TOBY: Yeah, hi.

KEVIN: Oh… This is… this is the funny fat guy from fat class? Hi.

TOBY: Uh, yeah, it’s Toby, and it’s a support group, but yeah. Holy… Wait, are you the Manny?

KEVIN: Yes, I am, Toby. Well… I was.

KATE: Wait, what?

KEVIN: You didn’t check your phone, Twitter, Facebook, nothing?

KATE: Why? Wha…?

KEVIN: Well, you should. Becau…

KATE: Okay, what is hap… What is happening?

KEVIN: I want you to know you would’ve been proud of me, okay? I was the picture of artistic integrity.

TOBY: Could we do one without your shirt on?



MARIO LOPEZ: Well, the big news in Hollywood today is, of course, the Manny’s on-set meltdown.

KEVIN: Think about this, I’m like, you know, it’s actually not the writer’s fault that this show is so awful.

TOBY: Wow. I actually kind of feel bad for Alan Thicke.

KEVIN: Yeah.



DR. K: Rebecca’s vitals are good. She’s gonna be asleep for a little while, but she’s doing fine. We’re monitoring her closely.

JACK: Okay.

DR. K: We lost the third baby, Jack. I’m-I’m very sorry. The, uh… second baby is a girl, very strong. The third baby was a little boy, but the, uh, umbilical cord was cutting off his oxygen. He was stillborn. Nothing anybody could’ve done.

JACK: I’m sorry, I’m… I’m not processing anything. My wife?

DR. K:Is fine. And she’ll be awake pretty soon. You have two beautiful, healthy children, Jack. Boy and a girl. But we did lose the third child.

JACK: I need to be with my wife.

DR. K: And you will be. But she needs to sleep now. But soon. You just sit down. Sit. Sit. Okay if I keep you company a second?

JACK: Yeah.

DR. K: Okay if I… try and say something meaningful?

JACK: Yeah.

DR. K: I lost my wife last year. Cancer. That’s the reason I still work so much at my age. Just… trying to pass the time. We were married 53 years. Five children, 11 grandkids. But we lost our very first child during the delivery. The reason I went into this field, truth be told. I have spent five decades delivering babies. More babies than I can count. But there is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think of the child I lost. And I’m an old man now.
I like to think that because of the child that I lost, because of the path that… that he sent me on, that I have saved countless other babies. I like to think that maybe one day you’ll be an old man like me… …talking a younger man’s ear off, explaining to him how you… took the sourest lemon that life has to offer, and turned it into something resembling lemonade. If you can do that, then you will still be taking three babies home from this hospital. Just… maybe not the way you planned. I don’t know if that was meaningful or senile, but I thought it ought to be said.
Your wife’ll still be asleep for a little while. Go see your babies. They’re excited to meet their father. I think maybe they got a good one.


RANDALL: Sorry. Just had to put the girls down.

WILLIAM: These people, they’re your…

RANDALL: My parents. Well, my adopted. They’re my parents.

WILLIAM: ou’ve been with them your whole life?

RANDALL: From the start. A fireman found me. He took me to the hospital, and they were there. They said it felt meant to be. Just one of those lucky breaks, I guess.

WILLIAM: A fire station. Gee, what a thing to have done. I should get going.

RANDALL: Maybe we could have you by every once…

WILLIAM: I don’t think that’s necessary.

RANDALL: It’s no pressure. I just…

WILLIAM: It’s just that I’m… I’m dying, is all.

RANDALL: You’re sick?

WILLIAM: Dying, not sick. Sick was months ago. I’m toward the end, fortunately.

RANDALL: Uh… I don’t know what to say.

WILLIAM: No, there’s nothing to be said. It was a kindness you’ve shown me, letting me meet them. Your dad must’ve been very proud of you.


KATE: I cannot believe that I’m drinking these calories.

KEVIN: Since I just torpedoed my career, I think you can afford an extra, you know, 100 calories or whatever.

KATE AND TOBY: It’s 150.

KEVIN: What if I’m not better than The Manny? What if I am exactly “Manny good”? I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

KATE: Broadway.

KEVIN: Can’t sing.

KATE: Porn.

KEVIN: Yeah, maybe.

TOBY: I’m gonna get some more of this red.

KEVIN: I’m in so much trouble. I am screwed.

KATE: Listen, okay, Kevin… Do you remember what Dad used to say, when something crappy would happen to us? Whenever we’d get down, whenever we felt like life wasn’t going our way?



FIREMAN: Which one’s yours?

JACK: Um… those two.

FIREMAN: Congrats! Twins. Wow.

JACK: How about you? Which one’s yours?

FIREMAN: None of ’em, actually. Strangest damn thing. Someone left a newborn at my fire station. I didn’t know what to do, so I brought him here. Smoke?

JACK: No. Thank you.

FIREMAN: Life’s strange. Congratulations.

JACK: Thank you.


KATE: Come on, Kev. You remember. What did he say? About the lemons? Hmm? “There’s no lemon…

BOTH: “…so sour that you can’t make something resembling lemonade.”



TOBY: Good. Now that that’s out of the way.


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